sarcastic crying noises

because of my constant emotion changes and changing my mind, most of the things I’ve said at any point in time can be considered a lie and that terrifies me

my eyes are swollen from crying but i put on eyeliner and now i look like a sad diva

B)

i guess something else that sucks is that my parents are just waiting for amara to get home and come fix me like YES IM EXTREMELY EXCITED FOR HER TO BE BACK but also they’re using that as an excuse to negate anything i have to say?? like i dont think they heard me when i said i’ve been feeling like this for years and i finally found a lead, maybe i don’t have to hate myself anymore please support me because you’re my parents

i wish i could control how i felt about people like

i’ve hated my best friends and rebounded right back to loving them again and i just have feelings at random and like

intense feelings 

i hate not being able to control what my brain does 

but then sometimes i totally can choose to like display a certain mood?? sometimes i just dont feel real

i hate this

i don’t trust my parents to help me with this situation but if i tell an adult that i trust (like a teacher) my parents would probably be really upset

i talked to the head of my art program about this back in may??? i think may? and i told my mom last night like “mom i talked to vic about it” and shes like “nonononono this is a family deal just tell me everything first” and i asked a friend and idk i need….an adult…. i need school i dont’ feel safe at home at all i hate this

I guess the good news is that my parents ignoring the possibility of me having a mental illness counts as denying me medical care and withholding psychological care
technically I’m being neglected : )

my mom didn’t leave the number for the place I was supposed to call about getting an appointment with a psychiatrist/counselor
and my dad left me here when he said he was gonna wake me up and take me with him on a delivery run
I don’t trust I love you’s anymore

eternal jealousy of all of you who have diagnosed illnesses while i have to stew in my self hatred and deal with awful parental interaction

i dont feel better really ive just been really grossed out? i just wanted to tell my mom i thought something might be wrong with me and she made it super dramatic and told me it was because i was lazy and that i was making it all up and then like “i feel so guilty how could you feel this way” adn a lot of blaming it on my menstrual cycle

idk i don’t feel comfortable talking about mental illness with my mom anymore. and i confronted her about it 2 years ago? 3? and she took me to the gynocologist and put me on birth control because she couldnt admit that there might be someth wrong with me so i guess i was right to keep this from her

because now its gonna get a lot worse

i talked to my mom about it and she turned it around and made it “oh no how could this happen you poor baby” and then was like crying about it and idk

shes making me call this health hotline and saying “just talk to someone about your feelings” even though i wanted to like get the point across that i wanted to talk to a therapist and see if i could get a diagnosis or something 

"there’s nothing wrong with you" is what she said like…… 300 times. i kinda wanna bottle everything back up again that was really uncomfortable